In that mystical pre-dawn time, I lay wakeful. The cat slumbers, loosely pressed into the bend of my knees, feeling warm and present.
My eyes are open to the dark. I slowly see more and more as they adjust to the filmy night in my room.
Nothing happens. Nothing holds me. I am alert to my own being.
Most days, I can easily generate enough worries and what-ifs to occupy an entire crowd of me’s, but this peaceful darkness has the jump on my ego-mind.
In this empty time-space, I let go of all the background noise. I am able to feel the simple gratitude and love that fills me when the endless, worried chatter in my head is finally tamped down, packaged up, and allowed to drift away.
I feel the amazing gifts in my life – each one defined in the simplest of terms. I feel, no, I am, love – complete, unconditional, no questions asked. It just is. And it is beautiful. It is whole.
Oh, to walk through the day this way!
It takes a lot of letting go. A practice of letting go.
In the clarity of the early dark, I am able to see all the letting go. My ego-mind wants to lament and second-guess all the letting go’s that led to this day. In this moment though, there is no pain and no regret. The lessons of those letting go’s left me sometimes feeling broken for a time, but ultimately standing with only one thing, the best thing. Love.
I’ll take that. I’ll hold on to that. Actually, there’s no letting go of that, there could be no letting go of that – because it just is. It’s being.
So as the sun rises and the chatter begins to ramp up in my mind and in my environment, I can remind myself.
My ego-mind struggles to dominate and control every last facet of my perceived world, but my early morning self knows I control exactly nothing. Life is. Love is. It’s a gift.
My ego-mind wants to know the details, be prepared, defend, secure, prevent, solve, find safety, control for every possibility.
I have to consciously see it and hear it. One by one, I must unclench the fingers of my ego-mind, relax the frenzied grip, and just let go.
Only to discover the world is still turning.
No more frantic maneuverings in my mind to make sure of this and manage that. To be somehow more something. To fix the past and secure the future. To become something else, someone else.
I am okay just like this. It’s safe to let go.
I feel the sleeping cat, warm and trusting, pressed up to me.
I allow the boundless love I hold to simply be.